The other night, in an effort expand my knowledge of the world beyond Perez Hilton, I sat down to watch ’60 Minutes’. Super Tuesday had just past, and I had seen in a CBS teaser that Hillary and Obama were both going to be interviewed. Now normally, my apathetic and disillusioned twenty something attitude would never dream of letting me watch a news program where I might actually ‘learn’ something. But since I hate reality television unless it includes the world’s biggest d-bag, otherwise known as Spencer Pratt, and the only movie on HBO was the brain hemorrhaging disaster known as ‘Epic Movie’, my mind forced my body to change the channel to CBS. Well, after an hour of watching and absorbing, I came to two conclusions. First- Katie Couric is not talented, and (after I looked up her salary and had a stroke) grossly overpaid. Second- Andy Rooney needs to use his ridiculously long eyebrows to fly himself, and whoever is still allowing him to be on TV, directly into a live volcano.
Let us first talk about Katie Couric. Katie, your segment with Hillary is thirteen minutes long. That means you can probably ask around twenty questions. Twenty questions for one of the two major contenders for the Democratic nomination. I would expect a woman making fifteen million a year to ask hard-hitting questions that could give the American people a greater insight to Hillary’s beliefs and platform. So how do you start off the interview? (I’ve abbreviated)
Katie: Have you grappled with the idea that it could be him (Obama) and not you?
Hillary: No I believe whole-heartedly that I am going to win.
Katie: Even in your deepest, darkest moments you don’t think that?
Hillary: (shakes her head ‘no’)
Katie: You have to once and a while think that.
Hillary (looking like she might uppercut Katie’s nose through her skull): Katie, you can’t think like that! I always think I am going to win, that’s why I keep going, and that’s why I’m running.
Wow. That’s hard hitting journalism right there. Three of the exact same question! Three of the exact same answer! We have now used fifteen percent of the interview establishing that Hillary believes she is going to win. No shit. Here are the next three questions:
Katie: Campaigning takes stamina (Brilliant!). How do you do it? 24/7?
Hillary: I do it because I believe in what I’m doing.
Katie: I knew you would say that! I’m talking about pure stamina…
Hillary: Well I have a lot of stamina.
Katie: Having said that, do you pop vitamins, do you have to hook up a coffee I.V? (HAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA- so funny, I want to grenade you!)
Hillary: I gave up coffee, but I drink tea. And I drink a ton of water. As much as I can possibly drink. And I’ve always said the two secrets are washing your hands, and eating a lot of hot peppers. I love hot peppers and I eat them all the time. I don’t know why it works, but it works for me…that’s my secret!
Once again, Katie, I’d like to thank you for your stupendous journalistic prowess. You have now wasted a third of the interview with inane questions, and I have a mental image burned into my brain of Hillary on the toilet seven times a day crapping liquid fire, due to all the water and hot peppers she’s eating.
At this point in the interview, my body has an involuntary reaction and tries to hit the Prev button on the remote, returning to ‘Epic Movie’ on HBO. Yes, my body just tried to choose bleeding from every orifice over watching the rest of the interview. Alas, I continued watching CBS. To summarize the rest of Katie’s unimpressive interview: Hillary thinks she has more experience than Obama, Hillary likes Obama, Hillary swears she likes Obama, Hillary thinks she’d be a better President because she has more experience, Hillary will run the country not Bill, Hillary was nerdy but not too nerdy in high school, Hillary will stay a senator if she loses. Then the segment ended. What did I just watch? Aren’t you supposed to gain information from the news? Why was the only thing I picked up from this interview an aneurysm-inducing mental picture of Hillary on the toilet? I watched some commercials and tried to forget. The reality that I would never get those thirteen minutes back began to sink in. Could there have been a bigger waste of time than watching an interview by a sub-par, overpaid journalist that discussed the eating and drinking habits of Hillary Clinton? Well I would soon find out that the answer is a resounding ‘Yes’. And my proof is Andy Rooney.
How this man is still on television is beyond my comprehension. His segment this particular week was a video compilation of his experiences at the super bowl. It proceeded to show such awe-inspiring clips as: Andy interviewing four differentparking attendants about where he should park his car. Andy slugging back free wine samples. Andy looking out his hotel window. Andy pointing out his hotel room from outside the hotel. Andy bumbling around lost. Andy bumbling around lost with his pants jacked up to his chest. I mean, is CBS serious? Who is letting this man stay on the air? I’m pretty sure I could bang my head against a wall for five minutes and lose less brain cells than I did watching Andy Rooney fumble and bumble his way around the super bowl. Is he actually getting paid? Can you think of a bigger waste of money? I could make a better case for lighting money on fire than giving it to Andy Rooney--at least someone could get some warmth from the fire. This guy is giving people NOTHING. And if CBS is going to air what I witnessed this past week, then mark my words, ’60 Minutes’ viewers will soon be watching five minutes of ‘Andy sits in a chair’ or ‘Andy puts on his pants’. And then they will wish as I did, with futility and anger, for those precious five minutes of their lives’ back. I will not be among those viewers again. Andy Rooney has taken five minutes from my life and it was five minutes too many.
So the next time I sit down to watch TV, and nothing is on but reality shows, ‘Epic Movie’, and ’60 Minutes’, you better believe Katie and Andy are taking a back seat to the comic holocaust that is ‘Epic Movie’. And if by some insane chance I find myself in a situation where ’60 Minutes’ is playing and I can’t change the channel or run away, I will undoubtedly recall these horrid experiences…and promptly start slamming my head against a wall.
--Andrew
“A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single sock.”
